Laying in bed with her first college Boyfriend, was where Zoey first realized she was probably gay and she was probably in love with Laura, her sister’s life long best friend.
It was here looking up at the water stained ceiling in the rundown frat house, that she finally let those feelings exist for what they were – not sudo sisterly love, but raging hot passion and lust that she had carried for almost her whole life. Shit.
Joe was a nice guy, well as nice as any sophomore finance major could be, he was on some sports team that Zoey could never remember, his parents and hers knew each other from the business arena. They had set them up the summer before she left for college, stating how he could show her around and get her settled in. It was the most obvious setup Zoey had ever seen, but considering she had never managed to get a boyfriend in highschool she couldn’t see the harm.
There had just never been any passion, no spark – Zoey just assumed this was just the way things were, that movies and books had lied about romance. Kissing Joe had been like kissing a fish that was desperately trying to grow a beard. Wet and smiley with far too much tongue. But nonetheless she had gone through the motions of dating and parties, and now coming up to Thanksgiving she had finally given in and had sex with him. Not that he had been particularly pushy. He had taken her out for a nice meal and been really caring Zoey mused to herself as she listened to his breathing next to her in the bed, but when she tried to conjure up the passion and romance she should have felt – all she could think was that he had probably not changed his sheets since his mom put them on the bed at the start of the semester.
No, she desperately tried to focus on the physical events of the night before. Candles had been lit and sexy music had played from a bluetooth speaker slightly too close to the bed. As Joe was putting the most minimal effort into forplay haphazardly pawing at her breasts and trying to finger bang her in something akin to a cardio warm up routine. It hadn’t hurt, she had expected it too, based on books and teen magazine accounts. She was just, totally ambivalent to it, he was mercifully quick in his 30 seconds of furious uneven thrusting – the lack of rhythm had totally thrown her off any sense of enjoyment.
Rolling out the bed Zoeys foot landed with a squelch on the cold slippery remains of the condom Joe had thrown on the floor last night, the reminisce of his goodtime seeping into the carpet. It was at this exact moment she decided that she was done with men and having sex with them, there was enough data points here to make an informed choice after all.
Without waking Joe she gathered her things that had become part of his room over the last few weeks, got dressed and left. She would text him later that day and tell him they were over. Walking out into the crisp November morning Zoey turned her attention to the other realization of the day. Laura. She had known the dark haired woman since she was 5 when Eric had started at the same kindergarten class, they had become instant friends and remained that way ever since. Zoey had been the annoying younger sister most of their childhood and early teens, but when she skipped a year in high school the three of them had become inseparable. The assumption had always been that Eric and Laura would marry one day, that was until Zoey caught Laura at Homecoming making out with one of the cheerleaders. At the time Zoey couldn’t understand why she had cried in her bed that night, but now it was all becoming painfully clear, the jealousy, the need to spend time with her – be close to her. It wasn’t about being left out, it was because she had a giant, huge lesbian crush on her. Shit.
Zoey groaned as she swiped her card to enter the halls building and trudged up the stairs, she wanted a hot shower and to flop in her own bed before having to go to class later. She hoped Ali would be out, the pink haired art major had been a surprising roommate allocation and Zoey still wasn’t sure about her yet, but they only had to share a room for the first year – after that she was free to go where she wanted. Maybe to share with some of her Law major peers or at least someone on a less liberal course, hopefully someone with the same work ethic.
Walking down the corridor Zoey could hear the unmistakable sound of Ali having sex. Lound unabashed sex with the RA, fortunately it sounded like they were not in her room and instead making use of the RAs single room. Retreating into her space she was pleased to see Ali had at least tried to keep to the new cleaning chart, her bed wasn’t made but at least her clothes were not all over the room. After a hot shower Zoey crawled into bed hoping to get a few hours of sleep, unfortunately that was the exact moment Ali burst back into the room carrying her bra like a trophy.
“Ooooh you were out all night!” She sang as she flopped onto her own bed “Did you finally give Joe the handjob he has been asking for?” Zoe sifted further down into her sheets, the last person she wanted to talk to about any of this was Ali, her abrasive, aggravating, extroverted roommate.
“No” Zoe muttered from under the sheets. She could hear Ali laughing from the other side of the room, laughing at her for not giving her boyfriend what he wanted. It made her blood boil. “Actually we had sex, and he was terrible, not only because he couldn’t find my clit with a gps but also because I think I am gay!”
Silence hung in the room for a few seconds as Zoey waited for any reaction from Ali at all, this was the first time she had said the words out loud. In her own defence she had only come to this conclusion in the last few hours.
“Finally!” Ali screamed from the other side of the room “I was worried I was going to start giving really unsubtle hits soon.”
“You knew?!” Zoe exclaimed, throwing the sheets off her face and sitting bolt upright in her bed, looking over at Ali. She still had her shoes on and was swinging her legs off the edge of the bed propped up on her elbows. “Who else knows?!”
“Chill out Zoey, I am pretty sure everyone knows now – you being the last.” She bobbed her head from side to side humming a tune. “Well maybe second to last to know – unless you have already told Joe?”
Zoey groaned and flopped back on the bed before throwing the cover back over herself. Why did being yourself have to be so complicated?